I know very little about today’s NHL game. My peak fandom in the NHL was in the late 90s-early 2000s. Most of my hockey knowledge stems from three video games: NHL ’98, NHL Breakaway ’98 and Wayne Gretzky’s 3D Hockey.  I slipped off when the 2004-2005 season was cancelled and never really recovered. I had two opportunities to get back into hockey but each time it didn’t last. The 2007-2008 season had the Winter Classic (awesome event) and a Penguins-Red Wings Stanley Cup final. The Red Wings were a great team from when I followed and the Penguins had Sidney Crosby, who was basically the LeBron of hockey. I followed a bit the next season as well and even played some Fantasy Hockey (although not well). After the rematch of the Stanley Cup final (to which the Penguins got over the hump and won the title), the NHL didn’t hold my interest. The only notable event that took place in the 2009-2010 season was that Marian Hossa made it to the Stanley Cup finals for the third year in a row with a third different team…only this time he won with Chicago.

It wasn’t until the 2011-2012 that I was drawn back in. I had randomly attended a New Jersey Devils game…the Devils were my team in the time I watched, and they lost to what seemed to be the unbeatable Crosby and Evengi Malkin. The Devils would make a crazy run though, and I attended Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals, where the Devils faced the New York Rangers, and won an overtime thriller (playoff hockey is amazing). But again since then, my interest had dropped. My favorite player of all time, Martin Brodeur, left the Devils then retired from the NHL. I could never truly get back into hockey. Maybe one day I will. Probably when they get rid of awarding a point for an overtime loss (one of the worst ideas I can think of: rewarding a team for getting “close”). Shootouts are a fine way to decide games. That’s a different tangent though.

I wouldn’t take these predictions seriously, I admittedly am not taking them serious myself. I barely know any players in the NHL and how good they were or weren’t this season. So let’s go for it! Let’s call this a non-serious Stanley Cup 2015 predictions article!

Note: I barely understand this re-alignment. I assume each division has a #1-#4 seed and they play accordingly. I guess I’m not against that. We’ll do this round by round.

Atlantic Division

#1 Montreal Canadiens (50-22-10, 110 PTS) vs. #4 Ottawa Senators (43-26-13, 99 PTS)

What I know about the Canadiens: They were once the Yankees of hockey with 24 total Cups…but haven’t won in quite a while (research shows 1993). They’ve been a regular playoff team in the last decade. Carey Price was the hotshot young goalie when I played Fantasy Hockey, and he’s still there and I think good.

What I know about the Senators: Admittedly nothing.

Prediction: Canadiens in 6

#2 Tampa Bay Lightning (50-24-8, 108 PTS) vs. #3 Detroit Red Wings (43-25-14, 100 PTS)

What I know about the Lightning: Steven Stamkos is a great young goal scorer and has been basically since he debuted in the NHL. The Lightning also won the last pre-lockout Stanley Cup.

What I know about the Red Wings: One of the great teams from when I watched hockey, and again a great team back in the late 2000s. The last time the Red Wings missed the playoffs I think was somewhere in the early 90s. They boast two players I know: Henrik Zetterberg and Pavel Datsyuk. Looking at their roster they seem to have a couple of young guns who are good too.

Prediction: Red Wings in 7

Metropolitan Division

#1 New York Rangers (53-22-7, 113 PTS) vs. #4 Pittsburgh Penguins (43-27-12, 98 PTS)

Basically the main event for me personally here.

What I know about the Rangers: I mean, I live in New York. The Rangers are the defending Eastern Conference (is that what the Conference is even called anymore) Champs. They have a bunch of players who seem good, one of which I know is good in Rick Nash. I feel like Martin St. Louis’ time has passed, but what do I know? They also have Henrik Lundqvist, who I remember as the Iron Man goalie. We also taunted him in 2012!

What I know about the Penguins: Sidney Crosby. Evengi Malkin. Kris Letang. I also have been told that the Penguins are apparently now like the mid 2000 NBA Rockets, with great players up top and a weak supporting cast. No idea if that’s true.

Prediction: Rangers in 7

#2 New York Islanders (47-28-7, 101 PTS) vs. #3 Washington Capitals (45-26-11, 101 PTS)

What I know about the Islanders: They were the last team to win four Cups in a row (unless the Oilers did it). They also have the great John Tavaras. They also are moving to Brooklyn soon, which will be great for them.

What I know about the Capitals: Alexander Ovechkin scores a lot of goals but the Capitals never win anything.

Prediction: Islanders in 7

Wow I’m totally confused here. The Central has five teams in.

Central Division?

#1 St. Louis Blues (51-24-7, 109 PTS) vs.  #4 Minnesota Wild (46-28-8, 100 PTS)

What I know about the Blues: Brodeur retired on their team. Wayne Gretzky also played for them once. And Brett Hull. That alone might make me pick them to win the whole thing.

What I know about the Wild: With an exception, the teams not in any of the NHL ’98 video games barely exist to me. That would be the Columbus Blue Jackets, Nashville Predators and the Wild. I’ll get to the exception later.

Prediction: Blues in 4

#2 Nashville Predators (47-25-10, 104 PTS) vs. #3 Chicago Blackhawks (48-28-6, 102 PTS)

What I know about the Predators: See Wild, Minnesota.

 

What I know about the Blackhawks: They have two recent Stanley Cup titles! And Hossa. And an injured Patrick Kane! And Jonathan Toews! And they are CM Punk’s favorite team!

 

Prediction: Blackhawks in 4

 

Central vs. Pacific WAR!

#1 Mighty Ducks of Anaheim (51-24-7 (109 PTS) vs. #4 Winnipeg Jets (43-26-13, 99 PTS)

What I know about the Ducks: They are really called the Anaheim Ducks now, were once owned (and maybe still are) by Disney. Dany Heatley also played 6 games for them. The Ducks were a part of my last favorite hockey moment when I followed, which was when the Devils beat them in the 2003 Stanley Cup Finals.

 

What I know about the Jets: That they are the exception! I hated the idea of a hockey team in Atlanta, but giving one back to Canada with their original name? Awesome! This franchise hasn’t won a playoff series ever (the Atlanta version), so let’s start here!

 

Prediction: Jets in 6

Pacific Division

#2 Vancouver Canucks (48-29-5, 101 PTS) vs. #3 Calgary Flames (45-30-7, 97 PTS)

What I know about the Canucks: The Sedin Twins (they are twins right) are awesome. I also know the goalie Ryan Miller, but I don’t know if he’s good.

 

What I know about the Flames: They have someone with 70+ points I’ve never heard of in Jiri Hudler.

 

Prediction: Canucks in 5